Christmas list!

X-Factor, the first person shooter video game for PC, Mac and Wii

Louis Walsh has gone rogue and kidnapped tousle-haired Jamie Oliver/foetus lookalike Eoghan Quigg to be his sex slave. Its time for Dermot O'Leary and Same Difference to form an unholy alliance to stop this madness once and for all. Includes zombies, hardcore porn inserted by a bored designer and hidden bonus Abba Tribute Night level. This game got 8 out of 10 from no-one whose opinion counts.

The Brian Paddick Uranium Enrichment Kit

Now you too can create international mayhem and bring the world to the brink of nuclear annihilation with the latest gaudily-coloured shit from the mind of the infamous failed London mayoral candidate. Includes uranium, centrifuge and underpaid Russian physicist with no scruples. Not suitable for under 3s.

The Colbert Carport

Following the runaway success of comic Stephen Colbert on some obscure satellite channel, this piece of corrugated plastic is imported direct from the USA and plays 'America the Beautiful' and 'My Country 'Tis Of Thee' every half hour. Cannot be stopped. Also keeps rain off your car.

Tickle-me-Obama

Does exactly what it says on the box. Includes foreword by Bill Ayers.

Also coming soon from the people that bought you Cowell: The Lowrise Years and Sing-a-longa-News-24 with Huw Edwards, the MMORPG release World of Rosscraft. Playing either a pop star, a paparazzi or a Daily Mail reader, you must save the mystical world of M'han-Wwel from the Demon King Uth'Brand and his army of Dragon Chasers.

Don't let your family go without these amazing gifts!